For the struggling New Guy

Trying to swallow that Red Pill, huh?  Wandering around the ‘sphere, trying to make sense of it all?

Great!  Welcome aboard – my name’s Dogsquat.  I wanted to….

No, go ahead.  I’ll wait.  Catch your breath, dude.

Goddamn.  You’re choking like a motherfucker.  Veins all standing out on your forehead and shit.  Can you breathe?  Look, if you puke in here, you’re cleaning it up.  I’m off the clock.

Jesus Herbert Walker Christ.  Just swallow the fucking Pill already.  While we’re still young,Your Majesty, prettyfuckingpleaseandthankyou…

Fine.  You just sit there and turn blue like a dipshit.  Stop waving your arms all stupid-style and listen:

Once you start contemplating that Pill seriously, you’re in for 6 months or a year of hellish personal introspection…maybe longer, depending on how old you are.  It’s going to suck.  You’re going to be angry.  You’ll get depressed.  You’ll hate people you’ve never even talked to.  You’ll be disgusted by people you like right now.

Often, when you see or read about Game, you’ll be reminded of some situation long ago when you made exactly the wrong decision.  The number of times you’ve left the six-lane Superhighway Of Happiness and took the off-ramp to Misery is staggering.  Yep, that was you driving, and yes, you really were that dumb.

It’ll get better, but not in a linear way.  There’s a perverse amplification of regret at first – as you learn more and get practice seeing the Red Pill in real life, past mistakes reveal themselves.  That’ll happen as you apply what you’ve learned, too.  Get a number or a kiss or have three days of super-pervert monkeysex with a girl you like….and feel pretty good…until you think back to that woman you worshiped….and how into you she was….and how obviously you fumblefucked an opportunity for lasting happiness into something horrible…..and you know exactly what you’d do differently now….and you know it would work…

Bittersweet.  Every success prompts you to riffle through your past.  Bad decisions and failed interactions ache anew.  Mysterious behavior by women in your past is now understood, and if only you’d known….

Everybody goes through this to some degree.  Smack your palm into your forehead for what might have been.  Get drunk and sob until snot runs down your chin for what you had and lost.  Hell – punch your steering wheel and scream incoherently in traffic – I did all that shit.  Feels good.  Get it out of your system.

You know better now.  You’re leaning how to detach a bit, to see things clinically.  You understand what you can influence, and what is beyond your control.  You may get hurt again, but it will not be the raw agony birthed of ignorance.

Take hope in that.

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15 thoughts on “For the struggling New Guy

  1. Disgust was a first emotion. Sadness the second. Detached amusement and benign speculation is where it rests.

    Most people seem inexplicably attracted to the flame. I guess that is in the best interest of the species, if not the individual.

    • For me, it was like having a sore tooth. You know you should just leave it alone, but your tongue just keeps poking and poking and poking at it. And it hurts every time. You resolve not to poke anymore.

      And fifteen minutes later your tongue pokes it….

        • Actually, the sore tooth analogy describes how I felt before I finally took the pill. Your blog post describes how it felt when I finally took it.

          It’s like bad tasting medicine. I don’t like taking it, but I do anyway because I know it is good for me.

  2. oh my God.

    DS, get the hell out of my head.

    This describes EXACTLY my experience. EXACTLY. In fact, I think you helped nurse me through one last summer over at HUS. Never did thank you for that, actually.

    So thanks.

    And congrats on the blog. This post is first rate writing. You sure there isn’t a dissolute, oddly good looking guy who goes by an obscure French-sounding name scrivening here?

    • Second that, Deti. Your posts at HUS have added a lot of clarity to my understanding of life.

      As a MGTOW, it’s not really my place though, as the hooking up thing is long past, so I rarely comment.

  3. This post is me a year ago, word for word. I think this is the scariest part about learning game for most men. If there is a right and wrong response to a situation, that means you can get it wrong. The cards are in your hands. However, if you believe women are mysterious creatures that can’t be figured out, then you’re never responsible for making the wrong choice. The blue pill is “safe.” I could never go back though.

  4. This describes a lot of what I felt at first, but I’m finding that this is a continuing struggle.

    My first response was disbelief, then anger. Followed soon by sadness and depression, and right on through to self doubt and mistrust of my SO. And then I realized that my only issue isn’t my lack of female knowledge, but at the core of it all I have some issues of my very own that I still haven’t faced.

    This last year give or take a few months has been one of the toughest in my 41 years on this planet. And that means it has been far worse than my divorce, which was the previous year holding that record. Taking the red pill is hard, but I believe it is 10x worse when it happens while a guy is already in a relationship. To some extent, I almost had to learn to trust my SO again, even though she never did a single thing to make me distrustful. I found myself looking at her and wondering who she really was. I questioned why she was with me, and what she wanted from me. I honestly began to see her as the enemy, and she has never once done anything to deserve it. But, the truth is, on some level I was seeing her clearly for the first time, and it was a damn scary thing.

    And that was just one piece of the puzzle. Since then I’ve learned that I have many other issues to resolve. In terms of “game” knowledge, for now I’m putting that on the back burner. After the months of feeling very unsure about my relationship, I’ve realized that right now it really isn’t broke, and I only need a small amount of “game” to keep it that way. (In fact, I’m not doing much differently at all. I am just aware of my natural behaviors that work, and the ones that work against me, and I am doing my best to maximize the first and minimize the latter. Anti-game is something I think needs more attention…) So instead I’m working on fixing my own issues first. My hope is that by feeling better about myself and recognizing and eliminating harmful thoughts and behavior, my relationship will improve which will further reduce the need for “game” to keep things going. It hasn’t been easy, and truthfully some days it really sucks. Once upon a time I honestly believed that at some point in my life, I would be able to stop “improving” myself and simply enjoy the ride. Well, not only is that lazy, it just isn’t reality. I don’t need to be out running marathons next month, but I also can’t allow myself to get stagnant. Because in the end, how can any relationship with another person be good if the people involved are not?

    I’m trying to pump myself up for this by making it a challenge. My problem is: competition has NEVER been a motivator for me, so I have to find other ways to get my ass moving. I’m going to admit something here that I haven’t told a single soul, but I trust you guys so here goes:
    My primary motivation for losing weight and getting in shape is not that I want to be in better shape. It is that:
    1. I read that losing weight makes your penis look bigger! I can’t tell you exactly how much weight I’ve lost total, because I didn’t have a scale that could measure me at first. But, I have lost at least 100lbs so far, and it is entirely true! Say what you want, but seeing my shit looking beastly really keeps me humping it out on my daily walks.
    2. I want better sex. Not that I am going without at all as it stands, but hot damn the more I lose the more endurance I have the more incredible the sex gets.
    3. Every time I exercise I track it with an Android app called Endomondo. It tracks using GPS and calculates distance traveled, time, altitude, and calories burned. And, it can be setup to post straight to Facebook. I set that up and told my friends to kick my ass if they saw me getting lazy. As a side bonus, I now have two other friends using it to get into shape as well. I think I need to tell them about points 1 and 2 for some extra motivation.

    I’m at the point where I feel like I can start actually working out without dropping dead on the floor, so I’m looking at a YMCA membership and/or a home fitness machine of some sort. I don’t plan on bulking up at all, but as you can imagine I’m pretty flabby in some areas right now from weight loss. I’m hoping that working out might firm and define some of those areas. I’ll never get rid of it all, but I’m OK with that.

    As for the rest of my stuff? I’m picking it apart as I go along. The big thing is that for the most part I feel a sense of relief now that I’ve let go of my OCD like focus on “game” and my relationship. My point in all this was that the journey wasn’t a one phase thing. I’ve been angry, depressed, scared, distressed, and bitter many times over since the first time I laid eyes on MMSL. And the saga continues. I have to admit there is a bit of thrill for me in all this. It really isn’t in my nature to set about doing something until I’ve made a full plan including milestones and a risk assessment to determine what risks are involved and how to mitigate them if they occur. Unfortunately this isn’t the kind of thing you can plan out that way, so I find myself in very unfamiliar territory kinda plowing forward with only a general sense of where I want to go, and only being able to see the path before me a few feet ahead. It’s scary shit, but the alternative is to never feel afraid and be stagnant. I want a successful relationship, healthy well adjusted children, and to feel like I have purpose again. So, I just have to hope there isn’t a cliff ahead. 😉

    • Ted, in another few months, start looking at doing some Krav or other practical martial art. Once or twice a week is plenty for what you’re after. It’s like pouring awareness and confidence right into your bloodstream, and a great workout to boot.

      • Funny you mention that. Both my boys said they would like to do some kind of martial arts next fall when school starts, and a new dojo opened up a couple miles away. Maybe I’ll just do it with them…

    • Great post, Ted. You always have great thoughts expressed over to HUS, and I have appreciated your perspective a lot. I went through the weight loss thing, and it is constant effort to keep it off. Low carb as well. 1600-1800 calories a day and 20-30 grams of carbs lets me drop weight, and if I keep the carbs the same, I can go up to about 2500 without putting weight back on. It’s a life change to do it.

      I also would second DS’s suggestion to take Krav or a similar martial art (self defense, not a sport) to maintain that weight loss, and provide you with a secure frame of mind in which to evaluate the world.

      Anyway, I said thanks to DS, Deti, and now you for all the great posts, and all the perspective that we need to help understand the world better.

      • JutR – Thanks. 🙂 For the most part, I’m just trying to figure all this out for myself. But, I have always found it easier to figure out how to fix other people’s problems, so to an extent posting online spouting my opinion to others is helping me figure it out myself.

        My weight loss started unintentionally. My ex-wife left to “figure things out” in May of 09. The kids stayed with me because they had to finish school, and at the time this was supposed to be a temporary thing. Well, about a month later I knew it was over, even though we hadn’t said so yet. I got massively depressed, but I didn’t want my children to see it if possible. So, I started coming home, cooking dinner, and then taking an hour and going to the local part to simply walk around and think. In truth, I did this in case I started getting emotional so that my children wouldn’t see it. Over the course of a couple weeks, my daily trips to the park to walk around and my lack of appetite meant I started losing weight. I decided to use my emotional state to my advantage, and tackled it head on. I lost about 60 pounds that summer/fall, and met my current SO that in late August or early Sept. After the new year, we moved in together and combined our families, and although I didn’t gain any weight back, my efforts to lose got back burnered for a bit. January of this year I hit it hard again, but this time I started by actually planning what I ate (instead of simply not eating due to depression) and began walking daily to get my cardio and endurance back up.

        Total progress is tough to know, because I don’t know what my starting weight was and I didn’t really intend to lose any in the beginning. But, I was wearing size 56-58 pants when my ex left, and last month I got several pair of size 44 shorts that at this moment are comfortably loose. I’m mostly just happy that I no longer need to shop in the “Big & Tall” stores. I can’t tell you how much easier life is when I can run to the local mall for jeans instead of a special trip to “Omar the tent maker” as I liked to call *MY* stores. I really don’t have a solid goal in mind, but I’m going to keep on pushing in this direction until progress stops, and then decide if I’m good where I am (which means switch to maintenance mode) or up the exercise efforts to push on. If I can drop to size 40 pants, I will be able to shop anywhere, so for now that is my new “soft” goal.

        I’m using an app called MyFitnessPal to track my calories and intake. You can set it up with your weight and goals, and it will tell you how many calories to eat a day, along with your intake of vitamins and such (provided you input it…) But, the coolest feature is the Android version allows you to use the camera to scan the barcode to input food. So, in many cases, I don’t have to type anything in at all! And, if you add in exercise, it will adjust your daily calorie intake. So, now when I am looking at a desert menu, I can quickly figure out how many miles of walking it takes to burn it off, and it loses its appeal fast. LOL.

        At any rate, I’m glad something I wrote helped you along. I’m glad I found the ‘sphere and certainly wouldn’t want to “plug back in” again, but I am either not ready to fully embrace it, or I’m not wired correctly to take advantage of it. (There is also the chance that my old ass simply doesn’t want to learn THAT many new tricks…) It seems like keeping attraction long term isn’t only about “gaming” your mate, but also about being an attractive person in general. So, I’m putting my efforts there for now. I’ll keep getting in better shape (meaning less round!) and will continue to work on my inner crap. I really don’t plan on adding any real “game” into my relationship other than simply using what I know to keep from doing anything stupid to detract from my mates attraction level to me. In the last few weeks, (since I decided to set game aside for now) I can say that things have been good with my SO. I’m not saying I won’t revisit some of Athol’s stuff, or incorporate some game into my relationship, but at least for now I’m not sure enough of myself to have the correct frame, and as long as my relationship is OK I don’t see any reason to experiment. Again, knowing about the red pill means that no matter what, I am using game knowledge. But I think I will always put the most effort into “anti-game” than pro-active gaming behavior. It simply feels manipulative to me, and I pass that vibe on somehow to my mate, which puts us in an emotionally tense state. If I’m supposed to be her rock, I can’t be off balance trying to run some “game” I am not comfortable with. Besides, I got her without it, I probably don’t need it to keep her around. I just need to stay attractive, and remember why she was attracted to me in the first place.

  5. Yup. This.

    Went through this exactly. Disgust (these dudes have no respect for women; I’m not like that), disbelief (Naw, that shit can’t work…), introspection (…can it?), gobsmacked realization (yeah, I used to do that back in the day…when did I lose being that guy?), etc.

    I stumbled upon Citizen Renegade (Chateau Heartiste) about a year after my separation from my wife of 18 years. When I thought back to my pre-marriage dating days and what attracted my wife to me in the first place, I had that realization that I used to be the cocky, confident guy at the bar, teasing girls, not putting up with BS. I just didn’t know it was Game. I was no alpha by any means, but had just enough of the natural attitude that it worked. Had a string of women in my 20s, but by my early 30s I was tiring of the chase. Found a nice girl and settled down. Had a solid marriage for many years.

    It was reading about Beta behavior that gobsmacked me. When did I stop being me and become the Beta? When did I go from “bring me a sammich” to “yes, dear. no, whatever you want to do, dear.” I didn’t mind being kitchen bitch, because I was the better cook: I’m good at it, like doing it, and can make a tasty meal out of whatever is on-hand. But somewhere along the line I also because laundry bitch, etc. And somewhere along the line the sex became nearly non-existent and I’d stopped caring.

    That was the gobsmacked moment. That moment of clarity and sadness when I realized that if only I’d found this Manosphere, if only I’d uncovered Game even 4 years earlier, I might have been able to save my marriage. Man, was that depressing.

    Then an interesting thing happened that brought me out of the black cloud of gloom. It occurred to me that if Game might have saved my marriage, perhaps Game could save my divorce. Now, I’m a semi-old guy. I’ve crossed that Rubicon of 50. So there are some Game techniques that work for me and some that won’t. Inner Game was always my thing anyway.

    Two years later, I’ve lost 45 lbs., gotten some better looking clothes, been dating, and have had enough random pick-ups to keep my trying. I’ve also Gamed the heck out of my ex. Not that we’d be getting back together–that ship has long sailed–and while we were always on friendly terms, Gaming her has made our post-divorce relationship definitely better, and she’s much happier. Hell, a happy ex is much better than a bitchy ex. She’s actually turned into a decent wingman on occasion…

    This is truth: the blue-pill disease is bad, possibly deadly; the red-pill treatment is hard, painful, and takes work; but with the Beta in remission, the prognosis is good. This is truth: Game saves lives.

    ‘grats on the blog. I’ve been reading your stuff over on HUS, but I don’t post there much, maybe only one or two times. But I’ve liked your writing. Good luck

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