Sometimes being a man makes it difficult to defuse potentially violent situations with other men.
When I was a bouncer, we had a bunch of minor league UFC guys come into my bar. They started getting rowdy, and some of them were starting crap with the other patrons. I’m a reasonably tough guy, but I am not in the same league as a professional fighter – let alone six of them. Normally, jokes, flattery, subdued body language, and obsequious speech is enough in these situations, but this group was beyond such measures.
What I did was instruct a particular cocktail waitress to tell them to calm down. Since it was a woman asking, there wasn’t the subtext of confrontation (do what I say or I’m gonna make you) that’s inherent in many man-to-man interactions.
It worked like a charm. The UFC guys were like puppies trying to please the waitress, and a good time was had by all. Your Humble Scribe won without fighting at all. He struck an Heroic Pose before riding his Noble Steed off into the sunset.
That technique is appropriate in many situations. Nobody gets hurt, there is rarely a fight, and security is maintained in the most light-handed manner. In those situations, a smart, savvy woman is worth three meat-head bouncerdudes.
A woman needs a tremendous amount of trust in you before she’ll do something like this. She believes in you. She’s trusting that if the situation gets Interesting, you’ll keep her safe. You need to live up to that – it is weak sauce indeed to let somebody else get hurt doing your job.
You’ve got to pick the right woman, too. She’s got to be savvy, calm, and quick-witted. She’s got to be in control of her feminine power. She needs to understand the situation and the possible consequences for failure. You must explain these things quickly, calmly, and unobserved by your targets. Pay close attention to the woman as you explain. If she exhibits any signs of eager aggression, consider another plan of action. A woman who thinks,”I’m just as tough as any man! I’m like that chick on Hunger Games! Grrrrl POWER!” has an immediate future involving bodily injury. A woman prone to finger snapping, lateral head movement, and spontaneous verbal ejaculations of,”Oh no you di’int!” is going to get her ass kicked, and yours too. Come up with Plan C instead.
If done properly, you will not look weak in the estimation of the woman. Maintain your calm demeanor, outline your intent, and express confidence in her. If the situation is resolved with minimal face-smashing, acknowledge her contribution with a wink and a,”Nice work. I knew I could count on you.”
Or, go back to Plan A and fight. In a bunch of crappy scenarios, getting your ass kicked is the best possible outcome. It sucks, but sometimes life shakes out like that. Let me know if it happens to you. I make a mean banana smoothie, and I’ll bring one to the hospital. The nurses will give you a straw, so don’t worry about your jaw being wired shut.