Tools #2

As often happens, I got busy as hell and wasn’t very active on this blog or the others I habitually frequent.  This little corner of the internet takes up rather more time than I thought it would.  Right now, it looks like I’ll be able to update once a week or so, and I’ll be slow answering comments for about the next month.  Sorry ’bout that, but real life is more fun than the internet.

Alrighty, then – to the next entry:

No Shit – there I was, trapped in Time and surrounded by Evil.  I was low on ammo, and it was dark and cold.  I didn’t know what time it was, and I looked over at…

Shit.

Wrong story.

Ahem.

In the post Tools #1, I talked about subconscious attraction cues and using pattern recognition as a stepping stone toward recognizing your own.  Some of them are
obvious – guys generally like healthy appearing women who exhibit signs of fertility.  (Eureka….snooze….)  Culture plays a roll as well – I’m not much into gals with stretched out necks, but some Burmese dudes dig it.  Poor bastards get raised that way, I guess.  That’s not what I’m talking about here.  The issue I’m addressing is that last 10%, that indefinable something that causes to you perceive some women as goddesses, and others as mere generic Hot Chicks.  Believe it or not, that differentiation happens in your own brain-housing group.  It has little to do with the objective qualities of the woman.  Recognizing the traits that flip your switch like that is worth considering.

You may find that your indefinable somethings are healthy and contribute to your long term happiness.  If that’s you, you don’t need this post.  Go play bocce ball or fold your laundry for 20 minutes or something, you psychological showoff bastards.  If, on the other hand, you’ve found yourself drawn to women who have a net negative effect on your life, come with me on yet another humorless journey of hellish introspection.

Huzzah! and such.

If you haven’t yet, please read the post titled “On Insecurity”, as those ideas figure prominently.

If you have your shit together (more complicated and debatable than it sounds – more on that later), a good woman will be like a combat multiplier – she’ll enable/push/allow you to do more of whatever you want to do.  That could be anything from providing focus and stabiltity in your life, to providing a little boost to your ego when you need it most, or adding fun, pleasure, and friendship to otherwise mundane hours.  I heard some women even have babies from time to time, so if you want to own one of those baby-type things you’re going to have to deal with a woman at some point.

It’s a fucking fact, though, that women can Wreck. Your. Shit. if you lack situational awareness.  Divorce, gutted self-esteem, wasted time, wasted money, and missed opportunity all await the man who chooses poorly.  “They” say that behind every great man stands a great woman.  That’s true for a lot of succesful men.  Behind a lot of guys who aren’t worth a damn stands a woman who helped pave the way toward mediocrity.  “They” don’t trot out that little platitude much, but it’s true.

A little common sense dictates picking a woman that adds good to your life, right?  What do you do, then, if you find yourself inexplicably drawn to women that have a net negative effect on you?  Do the Blue Pill thing and redefine “negative effect” and “common sense”?  Settle? Start hanging out in gay bars?

Give this an honest effort, instead:

Reject the statement “inexplicably drawn”.  “Inexplicably drawn” describes the relationship between moths and a Coleman lantern.  You are not some six legged flying horror destined for fiery oblivion, you’re a fucking man.  There are reasons for what you do, whether you choose to aknowlege it or not.  Accepting this is the first stumble on a journey of a thousand blisters.  Sure, some of those reasons are not nice.  Some of them say things about you that you might not like, things you wish weren’t true.  That’s fine – you can work on that junk later if you want.  Don’t shy away from the “bad” stuff – pull it out and examine it.  It’s a huge part of Why You Do What You Do.  Nobody’s watching, and nobody will know.  It’s important.

Next, objectively evaluate the impact a woman (or women) are having on your life.  Keep in mind that no person is entirely “good” or “bad”, and no relationship is, either.  This evaluation is harder to do than it sounds, and bears some careful consideration.  There are short and long term goals, second and third order effects.  If you’re not in tune with what drives you, what holes you’re looking to fill, and why you desire certain things, you’re going to be inaccurate in your assessment.  Garbage in = garbage out.  Spend some time thinking about this.  If you have trustworthy friends, seek some input.

Personal example time:

I mentioned in the last post that I used to be Sergeant Save-A-Ho.  I was really attracted to women that were….shall we say…a bit “troubled”.  About four or five years ago, I also started reading about/practicing Game.  Those two things were a Perfect Storm of Shit.

Seriously – I’m sitting here typing/thinking back, and when my mind brushes across those years, I get this wierd icy-cannonball-in-the-gut feeling.  It all seems so obvious now, but I wasted a tremendous amount of time and energy doing The Wrong Things For The Wrong Reasons.  Blech.

Over about a two year period, I was involved with:

-A stripper
-An architect
-A cocktail waitress
-A psychology grad student
-A yoga instructor
-A semi-pro model/sommelier
-A professional modern dancer

All of these girls were attractive.  Most were fun.  Some were smart, a few were funny.  I had a reputation for dating beautiful women.  Once a week someone would say,”Dude, how do you do it?!” On the surface, I was doing great.  My acquaintances were envious.  My very close friends were ready to pack me off to a monastery.  Why?  Here’s a more accurate list:

-A stripper (‘nough said)
-An architect with an eating disorder
-An alcoholic cocktail waitress
-A psychology grad student with poorly controlled bipolar disorder.
-A yoga instructor with daddy issues and pronounced gold-digger tendencies – come to think about it, she had some issues with food, too.
-A cokehead semi-pro model/sommelier who’s abusive ex-boyfriend/dealer tried to stab me
-A professional modern dancer with sexual identity problems (weird, weird shit, man –  not suitable for children, the aged, or the infirm.)

I’m a decent-looking guy (my mother says I’m quite handsome, actually), and I have reasonable Game.  I had a lot of stuff going for me – I was the Head of Security at a very hot club/lounge, a lot of connections, many acquaintances, and a shitload of pre-selection going on.  I made decent money at a fun job, and I knew what a bunch of hot girls looked like naked.  Of all those girls, only one dumped me – and she begged for me to take her back two months later.  According to some of the more superficial Game blogs, I should have been as happy as a pig in shit.

Why do I get that cannonball-in-the-gut feeling when I think back to those days, then?

Because some part of me knew I was just treading water.  I was floating on an ocean of women, riding wave-crests of hope and booty, then sliding into the troughs of disappointment and depression. Over and over and over again.  I was getting cynical and mentally tired.  I was acting like an animal, without introspection or higher thought.  I let myself be a slave to my insecurities.

Insecurities!?, you ask, aghast – How could a guy with all that going for him be insecure?

I’m glad you asked, even if you didn’t.  Here’s what I was insecure about:

-I was having some lingering physical difficulties from a bad day in Iraq.  You just ain’t the same after you get blowed up a time or two.
-I didn’t like my physical appearance.  I’d put on a bit of weight and lost some muscle after getting out of the military.  I have some ugly scars as well.
-I was terrified of getting dumped by a woman I was in love with…again.
-I hated myself because of some very ugly things I’ve done.
-In my bones, I was still a Blue Pill chump who thought he was lucky if a pretty girl gave him the time of day.
-Superficial, dead-end job.

One guy dating so many effed up women in such a short time doesn’t seem like such a statistical improbability now, does it? I was programmed to seek out a certain type of woman, one who could mitigate some or all of my issues.

Some of those insecurities had more influence than others, and some didn’t manifest in a consistent manner.  The most powerful was probably the self-hate.  I felt (and still feel) a powerful compulsion to even the scales a bit, to do some good, try and balance some terrible things I’ve done.  An early attempt at this was to try and “save” women with problems.  The dead-end job issue lead me to alternately desire and shun women with (relatively) prestigious career paths, depending on how I was doing.  My appearance/physical issues led me to value the physical perfection above all else in my girlfriends – “proving” in a goofy way that I was still attractive and desirable.

Once I got a handle on this stuff, I addressed what I could.  I got into decent shape.  I’ve put some Good Things into the universe, and come to terms with some of the Ugly Things. I get paid for “saving” people now.  I have a career path, rather than a job.  I beat the last of that Blue Pill Chump out of myself, mostly through repetition and endurance.

Addressing this crap had a predictable effect on my attraction triggers.  The thought of dating an addicted/disturbed woman is flavored with distaste now.  My lizard brain no longer perceives a diversion/opportunity, but a burden.  I deal with that shit at work, and it’s the last thing I want to come home to.  I still sense it on women, but it doesn’t create a drive anymore.  Same deal with abuse situations – I get my kicks practicing Krav.  Going to jail (however “heroically”) in defense of a pathologically troubled woman seems stupid rather than noble.  I’ve got things I’m proud of these days other than what my girlfriend looks like.

Feels good, man.

All of these things look quite simple and obvious laid out on the screen, don’t they?  If you were my friend back then, they’d be easy to spot after knowing me for several months.  Hell, you probably could’ve laid it out for me, like I did just now.  Easy peasy, right?  You’re probably nodding along because you know a guy who does the same thing…dumbass doesn’t even realize how obvious it is…

Guess what?

You’ve got a list, too.  It’s probably not the same as mine (I hope not, for your sake), and it influences you in different ways, but you’ve got one.  No shit.  You might have been shy in high school, and now find gregarious women attractive.  You might want other men drooling over your girl’s half-naked body so you feel better than them.  You might be messy, but find yourself drawn to very organized women. The correlation might be easy to see, or Byzantine in it’s complexity – but it’s there.

Not all of your drives/motivations/insecurities lead to bad outcomes.  Not all of them are worth spending time and effort on (like redheads with big tits?  So what?).  Don’t dismiss them all, though.  Think hard enough, get brutally honest with yourself, and pay close enough attention, you’ll realize a few that you’ve paid dearly for.

One of the things I’ve always found interesting about the human animal is how good we are at judging others, and how terrible we are at taking our own measure.  Thinking men get better at this with experience and practice.  For a young guy (or an unpracticed one), nothing beats using his relationships/attractions as a tool to ferret out things he has trouble admitting to himself – or simply doesn’t realize.

Seeing one’s target clearly is often the most difficult task.  If you can see your target, you can hit it.  If you can hit it, you can kill it – and move on to the next one.

Feel free to argue, disagree, learn, or teach in the comments.  Some of you guys reading this have been through similar transformations.  Let the younger guys in on how you did it.  Some folks might think I’m full of shit – that’s fine, too.  I don’t have All The Answers, just the ones that worked for me.  I’m happy to clarify or elaborate, time permitting.

Bonus points for connecting what I’ve talked about here to Game.  There are a bunch of corollaries in here, but this is the hand-crafted, individually tailored, eight essential vitamins and minerals version – not the mass-produced, one-size-fits-all, high fructose corn syrup stuff.  Apply moderation with both.  Arrogant foodies are more irritating than leprosy, but McDonald’s will kill you eventually.  More bad metaphors next week.

Thanks for reading and thinking.

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56 thoughts on “Tools #2

  1. Spot on. The advice I give to relationship-minded men and women alike can be boiled down to two maxims: choose wisely and be more attractive to those whom you wisely choose. Both sides of that equation need to be worked on.

    In my case, I had that “rescuer” mentality as well. After my wife divorced me (after 13 years of me enduring her diagnosed BPD), I soon found myself pursuing a worthless, high-maintenance woman who had spent the last dozen years on her life on the carousel and was wanting to now get off and find the Alpha of her dreams to settle down with (who wasn’t me of course, but I made a great emotional tampon).

    This guy and his book are what gave me the initial wake-up call that I needed. Like you mentioned, I learned to consciously spot those traits I was drawn to and that were so destructive at the same time. Once I recognized those tendencies, I could then avoid them, and my dating life became a million percent better as a result.

  2. Good stuff. Again you seem to easily explain what I know but find so damn hard to put into words. Introspection sucks, but it really is essential for any real personal improvements. Otherwise you are just going through the motions without a real understanding of why. And you know for me WHY is important.

    • Ted, you ought to save your comments. Re-read them in six months. I know you’ve felt “stuck” for awhile, but it’s obvious that you’re digesting this stuff. You’re certainly handling it with fewer cuss-words and drunken benders than I did.

      • HAH! Not so! I just do my cussing and drinking in private, most of the time. I do believe I have done some posting over at HUS drunk on occasion. I need to go find THOSE comments, because they are probably amusing as hell. 😛

    • And Thank You for noticing. It was a bit more difficult to put that crap out there for public consumption than I thought it would be. I have no idea how you artist-types do this for a living. I’ll stick to heart attacks, shootings, and car crashes. Much easier.

      • Artists: half voyeurism inverted, half lack of boundaries, half exhibitionism, half pathetic self infatuation, and half doing it for the money and the applause. and half doing it so maybe anyone will love you. and total lack of math.

      • As an artist, I actually have a damned hard time of it. There’s a great deal of ability to ‘put it out there.’ But the hard part is being able to tell if you’re putting your real self out there, a performance out there, what you think is your real self but is really a story you’ve lied to yourself about, or a story society lied to you about that you made your own.

        it’s all complicated as shit. Its just different complications.

  3. Your vulnerability rocks. It’s subversive alpha. I’m always impressed but not surprised when I found out someone I admire has a list. And I’m often shocked at how extensive each person’s list is. Because you can never guess by looking at the outside.

    Transformation begins with self-awareness. Unfortunately, change is costly and most people aren’t willing to pay the price.

    • Fred, EVERYBODY’S got a list. EVERYBODY.

      In reference to TJ’s comment:

      Does your Church do the Confessional thing? I was wondering if Confession would help or hurt a guy trying to swallow the Red Pill. It seems like you could use it as a place to be entirely honest, but I’m not sure how useful dating advice from a priest would be, especially in this day and age.

      Any thoughts on that?

      • My church is not catholic so no, we don’t do the confessional thing, at least in the formal sense. But confession is an integral part of the Christian life. When people acknowledge and share their brokenness to each other, it’s every bit as powerful as therapy. But again, the power doesn’t come from the clergy but the confessor’s willingness to be brutally honest. Confession is therapy before therapy existed. The purpose of confession is only secondarily to get advice, it’s more the catharsis of getting something off your chest. One of the goals for my church is to build a community where people can safely reveal their list to each other and find acceptance.

        • That’s an interesting idea. It’ll take some getting used to for people. My mother doesn’t even know everything about me, and I trust her a lot more than somebody I meet once a week on Sundays.

          How are you going to address the inevitable gossip?

          Have you ever seen the Post Secret blog? Maybe you could get one of those suggestion boxes so people could participate anonymously. Re-type the statements to aid in anonymity, then post ’em up on a bulletin board everyone can see. Might get the ball rolling, especially once folks start seeing some duplicate issues. It’s a great feeling when you’re wrestling with an issue to know that someone else is, too.

  4. Great post, DS….if I’m reading you right, what you’re saying essentially boils down to “it’s a fool’s game to pick a woman to better your life. Better your life first and then find one who amplifies it” Seems so obvious somehow…

    One thing I admire tremendously about you is how you use Game as part of building yourself higher – similar to Deida in many regards. Instead of Game just being a toy to get laid a lot, you’ve used it to become a Man.

    Awesome.

    • Thanks, man.

      Steel on target. Getting laid is pretty high up on my list of desirable activities, but if you’re chasing women so you don’t have to think about your fucked up childhood (or whatever), you’ve got to be careful. It’s like morphine. Useful and necessary up to a point, but it has some potentially harmful side effects.

      When I get some time, I’m going to have to read some Deida and Tolle. You’re about the third person that’s recommended it to me.

      Also, what I did/do isn’t noble or transcendent or anything. I had to change, or I was going to dig a .45cal tunnel in my head. Seriously – I was that miserable – for these and other reasons. It was necessary for my survival, I reckon.

      Just to reiterate – I’m not holding my way out as The No-Shit Truth. I’m not that smart. Hopefully a few dudes can use what I’ve learned and make their lives a bit easier. There are lots of ways to do this sort of thing.

      • Deida’s “Way of the Superior Man” is a most excellent read. Don’t worry about “getting it” right away – I’ve read a couple times and only now some is starting to take hold. A lot of game – and more importantly – some superb thoughts/ideas on transcending the blue pill mentality

  5. How refreshing. If we were all brave enough to tell the truth about ourselves, a lot of the bullshit we all go through wouldn’t even exist, but of course the first big thing on anyone’s list of things they’re never going to publicly admit about themselves is “I’m scared, and I’m scared that you’ll find out that I’m scared”. Once you finally get that figured out, you’re on the way, but many people have seductively convincing little dog and pony shows and before long you’ve bought into their act and thinking you’re the only one who truly feels the ‘fucked up’ shit that you do. I suppose that’s one of the reasons I enjoy reading ‘game’ blogs – I get to find out that, deep down, these guys who I just thought were natural born lady killers are, on the inside, every bit as insecure and confused as me – they just learned how to cover it up with a little more convincing act.

    To me, what’s more important than introspection, because face it, if you’re truly that fucked up there’s no way your going to be able to use a tool that is already broken (your brain) to fix another broken tool (your brain), is to find just a couple of people who you can trust not to use it against you and be as honest and authentic as you can with them…hopefully they will reciprocate and you will see for yourself that we are all the same – frightened, insecure, neurotic …and also wise, brave and good. When my friends have gotten real with me about how broken they feel on the inside, and how much they hate themselves for that brokenness, it has a profound effect on how I view myself. I look at my friend, and despite clearly seeing some flaws, can look beyond that to a person for whom I feel affection/like/love. Is it possible that the same is true for me? That I am more than the sum of my character defects and am actually a likeable, worthwhile person, worthy of love/respect/friendship?

    The hardest, yet most worthwhile job I have ever had was trying to develop an unconditional friendship with myself.

    • Great comment, Mobi

      Maybe this is why the blue pill is so seductive….it allows us to continue being victims and blaming our woes on others rather than owning our lives and being friends with ourselves.

    • Mobiaxis said:

      “find just a couple of people who you can trust not to use it against you and be as honest and authentic as you can with them…”

      I believe that is the most useful thing about therapy. It is extremely difficult to be entirely honest about this crap with somebody you see every day – somebody you want to like and respect you. A therapist, on the other hand, is being paid to listen. They’re also subject to patient privacy laws. If they blab about how emo you are to your ex, take ’em to court. You can vacation somewhere nice with his kid’s college fund.

      Humans are social animals, and there is something powerful about sitting face to face with another human being and unburdening yourself. Paradoxically, doing that with someone you’re paying can be easier on an interpersonal level as well. Since the therapist is making a few bucks off of you, you don’t feel as if you’re asking a favor or burdening your buddies. Win-Win.

      “When my friends have gotten real with me about how broken they feel on the inside, and how much they hate themselves for that brokenness, it has a profound effect on how I view myself. I look at my friend, and despite clearly seeing some flaws, can look beyond that to a person for whom I feel affection/like/love. Is it possible that the same is true for me? That I am more than the sum of my character defects and am actually a likeable, worthwhile person, worthy of love/respect/friendship? “

      Sounds like you have some good friends. I’d explain how we’re all just animated bags of skin filled up with obscene glop, then pour beers down your throat until you puke. That’s a widely accepted alternate treatment, but it’s decidedly inferior to your method.

  6. You might have been shy in high school, and now find gregarious women attractive.

    Raises hand. This was me and my ex-wife. I’m naturally introverted so I found myself very drawn to someone who was an extreme extrovert. She was the life of the party everywhere we went and so I got drawn into that world/those adventures.

    Thinking back on my younger days especially when I was in top shape, I found myself attracted to and attracting sort of crazy party girl types. No doubt, it was driven by insecurities from my high school and college days, and part of my motivation to be “seen” with these girls in public was to show them off like trophies.

  7. After reading your posts on Tools and your Insecurity Post (still getting through Ricky Raw links I saw on comments) I am starting to think about this kind of stuff as well. I never really thought of the whole thing that way but what you say makes immediate sense.

    I have not too much experience in the relationships department, but my last one had serious potential to derail my future for the worse and unfortunately still does (I also read your transition post about the bouncer).

    One the facets of my personality is that I have tremendous ability to focus, though sometimes to the detriment of other facets of my life. I have noticed that my ability to focus gets often high-jacked when a girl enters the picture. I’m going to have to find out why that is but I know I’m not going to like what I am going to find.

    • For your consideration:

      I have a buddy who takes great pride in his ability to focus. He considers focusing to mean doing one thing he enjoys to the exclusion of all else. He’ll start a project and putter along – won’t cook, clean, answer his phone, or come over for dinner until the project is done. “No time, dude!” he says. In a booze filled moment long ago, he admitted that “focus” of his was a form of procrastination/avoidance. Rather than take half an hour to cook something healthy and clean up, he gets take out ’cause it’s “easier”. He’s an introvert, and uses his projects as an excuse to stay home. No problem with that at all, except some part of him thinks he’s really busy. He doesn’t have a deadline for these projects, they’re just excuses to take the path of least resistance.

      He was “too busy” to come to a party one of the women I work with threw – a party that included 6 or 8 reasonably attractive single women. Who are my friends. That I would introduce him to. And be the best wing he ever had. Gallons of pre-selection were his for the taking. So he will stop complaining about never getting laid. Too busy. Maybe next time. Hmm…

      That might not be you at all, but it’s a good example of what we’ve been talking about lately. Ricky Raw is well worth your time, by the way.

      • “a party that included 6 or 8 reasonably attractive single women. Who are my friends. That I would introduce him to. And be the best wing”

        Hey. Im in next time. Im busy but never too busy for that.

        • I’ll introduce you to them, like, two at a time. I desire harmony at work, and they’d fight tooth and nail over your artistic Latin-Lover ass. I don’t want to clean up all that blood.

  8. Really enjoying your site man!! Really good stuff! Was a slow starter…..when I got married my wife was my 5th conquest!! (pathetic I know) After thinking my life was over in a cleaned out house with my soon to be ex and baby girl living at another man’s house….had to start over. Now: Nurse, Medic, FF here, divorced x 15 years. Dated and fucked some really messed up gals….Hell, when I became a nurse….it was like working at an all you can eat buffet!! The women were everywhere, married, single, single moms….they all loved to get cave fucked and I went crazy for a while. I am sure in your profession you have noticed how many crazy, sexy, fucked-up nurses there are, lol, not to mention lab techs, Doctors, psych specialist, cna’s. Wasn’t till after I was getting tired of the game and had my shit together that one of the really good ones that I had tried, but failed to bag…..came to one of my annual De-vorce celebrations!! Today, we have been enjoying each other’s company for ten months…..May not sound like much, but it is the first time I have only been with one woman for that long in 15 years!! Figuring out your demons and dealing with them makes it so very easy to spot the real deal when it comes along. Application of game in a relationship….. that is my current project. Balancing Alpha and beta can be a challenge. Having your shit together takes the other pressures off so you can relax and enjoy the game!!

    • BSI, the scene is safe.

      Thanks for swinging by, man. I’m glad you enjoy my rambling. If you haven’t yet, go take a look at Married Man Sex Life – excellent info for relationship game. Feel free to contribute – you’ve been through some shit, but you’re still upright and breathing. You’ve got a lot to offer – sometimes just hearing that life gets better helps guys.

      No doubt about it – health care people are weird. The way I’ve got it figured for nurses is about 1/3 crazy, 1/3 normal, and 1/3 awesome. Docs are a bit different I think – about 20% hate medicine but have too much debt to do anything else. Those are some miserable folks. Another bunch actually believes the crap they put on their med school applications, and is eager to be crucified on the cross of patient care. Gotta watch out for them, too. The rest are power-nerds, and I like those folks. As for lab techs – I think they’re all probably aliens.

  9. Another home run. You seriously should write self-help books for men. You make money and help people. Really good at show how introspection works. Kudos! 🙂

  10. I think I attracted a certain type of woman because I projected comfort, which damaged women want. However, what they want is often not what they need, and participating in being their relief valve is often deleterious to the comfort provider.

    Its tough when you’re not attracting the girls you want, and the only attractive ones that take an interest in you are the damaged ones. Young men tend to take comfort where they can find it, usually from the most attractive woman they can attract, until they learn a few hard lessons.

    • It’s interesting how long it takes some folks to figure out. Hell, a toddler only has to burn his hand on a stove once – that’s it – and he’ll never do it again. A grown ass man will go after the same pathology in women for decades, never learning a thing.

      • Rarely does a stove burn feel really, really good at first. Sometimes we fool ourselves into thinking we won’t end up like the addictive person that tries crack once, maybe just a second time.

  11. I have been enjoying your posts over at HUS for some time so I am very happy to know that you also blog. This is one of the most refreshing posts I have seen and I appreciate your vulnerability, honesty and authenticity. Kudos to you for doing the emotional work.

    Have you ever considered how your parents relationship influenced your attraction triggers? Do you identify strongly with one parent? Would you say that the women you have dated have closely resembled the opposite parent? I believe that a lot of our attraction triggers are unconscious and rooted in what we saw (or didn’t see) in our parent’s relationship. I have observed a lot of people recreating their parents marital dynamic without even realizing what they are doing. It doesn’t matter how many failed relationships they have, they continue repeating patterns unless there is some sort of intervention in the form of therapy or what you did – taking stock of one’s emotional landscape.

    • Thanks for the kind words, and stop by any time.

      About the parent thing – yes, there is definitely influence (good and bad) from that direction. It might be illuminating to illustrate. Unfortunately, I am still evaluating how much personal info is acceptable to put up on this thing. I’d also ask before putting up such personal stuff about them, but then I’d have to explain the blog, then my mom would start asking why I didn’t marry this or that girl…

  12. As someone who has worked as a lab tech, I resemble that remark. Seriously, lab techs are weird because of the job. Weird hours, isolation, that odd balance of skills that makes you smarter than the average Joe on the street, but clueless in a research lab plus insane demands makes some weird people.

    I know for me, my triggers were to find narcissistic women with lots of ambition and drop-dead gorgeous looks. Thanks to my mom, all I knew was that relationships were just a form of trade. I give you money, clothes, nice stuff, and in turn I get sex and commitment. Also, I wanted them to look as well as possible for my mom because I knew my mom would savage them to see if they fit into her milieu of making her look good. In my mom’s mind, having a son who could get a catch made her look good, and I figured that I needed to be prepared.

    Also, is it me, or are there a lot of people who dated or married folks with BPD in the Game world, especially in the older parts of the demographic? Seriously, I’ve come across a few posts that mention BPD, and my wife is diagnosed with BPD. Is there some sort of connection there?

    • I think it’s because you’ve got to be so miserable that using a few blogs to rebuild your worldview somehow makes sense. Cluster B Personality disorders are a good source of said misery…

      Dude, I did a rotation at a hospital with the weirdest lab techs. One day at about 0300 I was dropping some labs off from the ED and I heard intermittent yelling from the back of the lab. To make a long story short, one of the techs was working through a bunch of Paps. Whenever he saw sperm cells on the swab, he’d yell,”SLUUUUT!!! GOT ANOTHER SLLLUUUUUUUTTTTT! here!” Another tech in that lab would never communicate over the phone. She’d call up to the ED and tell whichever medic or nurse answered to come down right away. You’d slog down there for something like,”Hey, this tube hemolyzed. I need another one.”

      One day we were so busy we were on Divert. All the hallway beds were up and occupied, we were paging in on-call staff – just busting at the seams. That nutty lab tech called me down three fucking times that day. I wanted to stuff her in a bodybag and chuck her in a dumpster, but I didn’t have time. I asked her six times (twice for each call) to just tell me what she needed over the phone, to save me a trip. She looked at me and nodded the whole time I was talking…all six times…then pulled the same crap.

      Honestly creeped me out. I think she was scouting for the Mothership or something.

      • They are certainly weird as a whole….but from the individual unofficial testing I have conducted with the female version of the species in six different hospitals I have to conclude THEY ALL SWALLOW!! LOL That is a positive sign of intelligence in my book!!

    • Thanks! I appreciate the compliment.

      I’ve been working on a couple things here and there – a bunch of military stories and several from working in EMS. Might eventually wrassle that crap into something legible in a few years. Or a decade. Writing about that stuff is hard.

  13. “They” say that behind every great man stands a great woman. That’s true for a lot of succesful men. Behind a lot of guys who aren’t worth a damn stands a woman who helped pave the way toward mediocrity. “They” don’t trot out that little platitude much, but it’s true.”

    No, they don’t, do they?
    Hm, I wonder why 🙂

    This is a great post, Dogsquat.
    Even though I am not a man I can see how useful your advice is.

  14. I’m liking this blog alot. Very open and refreshingly not trying to pimp yourself up. I take it you’ve seen those recent Rawness articles everyone is raving about?

    • Honored you stopped by!

      I usually check in with Ricky Raw every few weeks, but I haven’t done so lately. I like his stuff a lot. I think yours is fugging stellar, too. Best day game and step by step tactical stuff out there, in my opinion.

      As to the pimping – I think that there are several paths toward being a happier man. Some guys (like you) throw themselves into Game/PUA 100% and the rest of their life improves from there. I fixed myself first, and subsequently got better with women. Game/Red Pill stuff is just as important, but it’s applied differently, especially at first. I didn’t see anything quite like that in the ‘sphere, so I thought I’d give a shot at explaining it. To do so I have to be honest about how fucked up I was, and what makes me happy now. I’ve done a lot of dumb shit in my life, and I expect that any “bragging” I do here will be crushed by past idiocy explained in the next post.

      Or something.

      Anybody else reading – Krauser’s shit is so tight he could probably SNL me if he wanted. Go read it.

      Again, thanks for stopping by.

  15. I can’t help but suggest Pena Chodron’s (sp) When Things Fall Apart. It is provocative and counterintuitive at times, but it helped me with the obsessions about the girl I posted here about.

    As I read the post and comments, I couldn’t help but think of this book.

    As you said, Dog, it’s about not judging. BUT mostly not judging ourselves! She says that if you continue to berate yourself about judging others, you get nowhere. It was a real eyeopener, and the most practical advice for approaching life. Only 80 pages too!

    • Pema Chodron’s take on buddhism can truly be transformative (at least it was for me). It can also draw one way too far to one’s ‘feminine’ side and I am glad I found manosphere blogs to balance it. If you knoe anything about her teacher Chogyam Trungpa, he sounded as alpha as you could get.

      • Excellent point about buddhism and femininity, Mobiaxis. It is definitely a feminine religion. As far as Game, non judgment does allow one to be detached from outcome. One just has to be bold enough to incur an outcome!

        • Well, it could be said – & has been said – that Christianity is also a very feminizing religion, but then any societal force or philosophy which encourages the tempering of aggression & the focusing of ones concerns beyond those of the immediate self could conceivably be categorized as such too.

          I guess it’s all about balance – a yin & yang thang: an overtly macho or fascistic society would most likely benefit from exposure to the more fluid, reflective yin, whereas our own could probably use a few shots of yang in the buttcheeks right now.

          Would love to hear more in-depth discussion about such matters within the manosphere. I think a lot of my favourite writers would have some interesting takes on it all.

  16. This is a great post .. and is equally useful for women. My father was in the military and was always away on operation. It’s only recently that it dawned on me that perhaps that’s the reason I repeatedly fall for men who are physically distant – i.e. live interstate or who are moving overseas. You’d think after the first time it happens you would put two and two together, but alas .. It sometimes takes a lot of pain to get you to wake up and change your behaviour. Thanks for laying it out so perfectly.

  17. Pingback: Don’t Get Jealous Of Another Man’s Quarry Unless You Really Know The Score | The Badger Hut

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