As often happens, I got busy as hell and wasn’t very active on this blog or the others I habitually frequent. This little corner of the internet takes up rather more time than I thought it would. Right now, it looks like I’ll be able to update once a week or so, and I’ll be slow answering comments for about the next month. Sorry ’bout that, but real life is more fun than the internet.
Alrighty, then – to the next entry:
No Shit – there I was, trapped in Time and surrounded by Evil. I was low on ammo, and it was dark and cold. I didn’t know what time it was, and I looked over at…
In the post Tools #1, I talked about subconscious attraction cues and using pattern recognition as a stepping stone toward recognizing your own. Some of them are
obvious – guys generally like healthy appearing women who exhibit signs of fertility. (Eureka….snooze….) Culture plays a roll as well – I’m not much into gals with stretched out necks, but some Burmese dudes dig it. Poor bastards get raised that way, I guess. That’s not what I’m talking about here. The issue I’m addressing is that last 10%, that indefinable something that causes to you perceive some women as goddesses, and others as mere generic Hot Chicks. Believe it or not, that differentiation happens in your own brain-housing group. It has little to do with the objective qualities of the woman. Recognizing the traits that flip your switch like that is worth considering.
You may find that your indefinable somethings are healthy and contribute to your long term happiness. If that’s you, you don’t need this post. Go play bocce ball or fold your laundry for 20 minutes or something, you psychological showoff bastards. If, on the other hand, you’ve found yourself drawn to women who have a net negative effect on your life, come with me on yet another humorless journey of hellish introspection.
Huzzah! and such.
If you haven’t yet, please read the post titled “On Insecurity”, as those ideas figure prominently.
If you have your shit together (more complicated and debatable than it sounds – more on that later), a good woman will be like a combat multiplier – she’ll enable/push/allow you to do more of whatever you want to do. That could be anything from providing focus and stabiltity in your life, to providing a little boost to your ego when you need it most, or adding fun, pleasure, and friendship to otherwise mundane hours. I heard some women even have babies from time to time, so if you want to own one of those baby-type things you’re going to have to deal with a woman at some point.
It’s a fucking fact, though, that women can Wreck. Your. Shit. if you lack situational awareness. Divorce, gutted self-esteem, wasted time, wasted money, and missed opportunity all await the man who chooses poorly. “They” say that behind every great man stands a great woman. That’s true for a lot of succesful men. Behind a lot of guys who aren’t worth a damn stands a woman who helped pave the way toward mediocrity. “They” don’t trot out that little platitude much, but it’s true.
A little common sense dictates picking a woman that adds good to your life, right? What do you do, then, if you find yourself inexplicably drawn to women that have a net negative effect on you? Do the Blue Pill thing and redefine “negative effect” and “common sense”? Settle? Start hanging out in gay bars?
Give this an honest effort, instead:
Reject the statement “inexplicably drawn”. “Inexplicably drawn” describes the relationship between moths and a Coleman lantern. You are not some six legged flying horror destined for fiery oblivion, you’re a fucking man. There are reasons for what you do, whether you choose to aknowlege it or not. Accepting this is the first stumble on a journey of a thousand blisters. Sure, some of those reasons are not nice. Some of them say things about you that you might not like, things you wish weren’t true. That’s fine – you can work on that junk later if you want. Don’t shy away from the “bad” stuff – pull it out and examine it. It’s a huge part of Why You Do What You Do. Nobody’s watching, and nobody will know. It’s important.
Next, objectively evaluate the impact a woman (or women) are having on your life. Keep in mind that no person is entirely “good” or “bad”, and no relationship is, either. This evaluation is harder to do than it sounds, and bears some careful consideration. There are short and long term goals, second and third order effects. If you’re not in tune with what drives you, what holes you’re looking to fill, and why you desire certain things, you’re going to be inaccurate in your assessment. Garbage in = garbage out. Spend some time thinking about this. If you have trustworthy friends, seek some input.
Personal example time:
I mentioned in the last post that I used to be Sergeant Save-A-Ho. I was really attracted to women that were….shall we say…a bit “troubled”. About four or five years ago, I also started reading about/practicing Game. Those two things were a Perfect Storm of Shit.
Seriously – I’m sitting here typing/thinking back, and when my mind brushes across those years, I get this wierd icy-cannonball-in-the-gut feeling. It all seems so obvious now, but I wasted a tremendous amount of time and energy doing The Wrong Things For The Wrong Reasons. Blech.
Over about a two year period, I was involved with:
-A cocktail waitress
-A psychology grad student
-A yoga instructor
-A semi-pro model/sommelier
-A professional modern dancer
All of these girls were attractive. Most were fun. Some were smart, a few were funny. I had a reputation for dating beautiful women. Once a week someone would say,”Dude, how do you do it?!” On the surface, I was doing great. My acquaintances were envious. My very close friends were ready to pack me off to a monastery. Why? Here’s a more accurate list:
-A stripper (‘nough said)
-An architect with an eating disorder
-An alcoholic cocktail waitress
-A psychology grad student with poorly controlled bipolar disorder.
-A yoga instructor with daddy issues and pronounced gold-digger tendencies – come to think about it, she had some issues with food, too.
-A cokehead semi-pro model/sommelier who’s abusive ex-boyfriend/dealer tried to stab me
-A professional modern dancer with sexual identity problems (weird, weird shit, man – not suitable for children, the aged, or the infirm.)
I’m a decent-looking guy (my mother says I’m quite handsome, actually), and I have reasonable Game. I had a lot of stuff going for me – I was the Head of Security at a very hot club/lounge, a lot of connections, many acquaintances, and a shitload of pre-selection going on. I made decent money at a fun job, and I knew what a bunch of hot girls looked like naked. Of all those girls, only one dumped me – and she begged for me to take her back two months later. According to some of the more superficial Game blogs, I should have been as happy as a pig in shit.
Why do I get that cannonball-in-the-gut feeling when I think back to those days, then?
Because some part of me knew I was just treading water. I was floating on an ocean of women, riding wave-crests of hope and booty, then sliding into the troughs of disappointment and depression. Over and over and over again. I was getting cynical and mentally tired. I was acting like an animal, without introspection or higher thought. I let myself be a slave to my insecurities.
Insecurities!?, you ask, aghast – How could a guy with all that going for him be insecure?
I’m glad you asked, even if you didn’t. Here’s what I was insecure about:
-I was having some lingering physical difficulties from a bad day in Iraq. You just ain’t the same after you get blowed up a time or two.
-I didn’t like my physical appearance. I’d put on a bit of weight and lost some muscle after getting out of the military. I have some ugly scars as well.
-I was terrified of getting dumped by a woman I was in love with…again.
-I hated myself because of some very ugly things I’ve done.
-In my bones, I was still a Blue Pill chump who thought he was lucky if a pretty girl gave him the time of day.
-Superficial, dead-end job.
One guy dating so many effed up women in such a short time doesn’t seem like such a statistical improbability now, does it? I was programmed to seek out a certain type of woman, one who could mitigate some or all of my issues.
Some of those insecurities had more influence than others, and some didn’t manifest in a consistent manner. The most powerful was probably the self-hate. I felt (and still feel) a powerful compulsion to even the scales a bit, to do some good, try and balance some terrible things I’ve done. An early attempt at this was to try and “save” women with problems. The dead-end job issue lead me to alternately desire and shun women with (relatively) prestigious career paths, depending on how I was doing. My appearance/physical issues led me to value the physical perfection above all else in my girlfriends – “proving” in a goofy way that I was still attractive and desirable.
Once I got a handle on this stuff, I addressed what I could. I got into decent shape. I’ve put some Good Things into the universe, and come to terms with some of the Ugly Things. I get paid for “saving” people now. I have a career path, rather than a job. I beat the last of that Blue Pill Chump out of myself, mostly through repetition and endurance.
Addressing this crap had a predictable effect on my attraction triggers. The thought of dating an addicted/disturbed woman is flavored with distaste now. My lizard brain no longer perceives a diversion/opportunity, but a burden. I deal with that shit at work, and it’s the last thing I want to come home to. I still sense it on women, but it doesn’t create a drive anymore. Same deal with abuse situations – I get my kicks practicing Krav. Going to jail (however “heroically”) in defense of a pathologically troubled woman seems stupid rather than noble. I’ve got things I’m proud of these days other than what my girlfriend looks like.
Feels good, man.
All of these things look quite simple and obvious laid out on the screen, don’t they? If you were my friend back then, they’d be easy to spot after knowing me for several months. Hell, you probably could’ve laid it out for me, like I did just now. Easy peasy, right? You’re probably nodding along because you know a guy who does the same thing…dumbass doesn’t even realize how obvious it is…
You’ve got a list, too. It’s probably not the same as mine (I hope not, for your sake), and it influences you in different ways, but you’ve got one. No shit. You might have been shy in high school, and now find gregarious women attractive. You might want other men drooling over your girl’s half-naked body so you feel better than them. You might be messy, but find yourself drawn to very organized women. The correlation might be easy to see, or Byzantine in it’s complexity – but it’s there.
Not all of your drives/motivations/insecurities lead to bad outcomes. Not all of them are worth spending time and effort on (like redheads with big tits? So what?). Don’t dismiss them all, though. Think hard enough, get brutally honest with yourself, and pay close enough attention, you’ll realize a few that you’ve paid dearly for.
One of the things I’ve always found interesting about the human animal is how good we are at judging others, and how terrible we are at taking our own measure. Thinking men get better at this with experience and practice. For a young guy (or an unpracticed one), nothing beats using his relationships/attractions as a tool to ferret out things he has trouble admitting to himself – or simply doesn’t realize.
Seeing one’s target clearly is often the most difficult task. If you can see your target, you can hit it. If you can hit it, you can kill it – and move on to the next one.
Feel free to argue, disagree, learn, or teach in the comments. Some of you guys reading this have been through similar transformations. Let the younger guys in on how you did it. Some folks might think I’m full of shit – that’s fine, too. I don’t have All The Answers, just the ones that worked for me. I’m happy to clarify or elaborate, time permitting.
Bonus points for connecting what I’ve talked about here to Game. There are a bunch of corollaries in here, but this is the hand-crafted, individually tailored, eight essential vitamins and minerals version – not the mass-produced, one-size-fits-all, high fructose corn syrup stuff. Apply moderation with both. Arrogant foodies are more irritating than leprosy, but McDonald’s will kill you eventually. More bad metaphors next week.
Thanks for reading and thinking.